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They say that when you have been in love or ever loved someone you get a feeling you never have before. Me I have had the pleasure of loving and losing 2 times. The first was the whole sweet heart thing that lasted for 2 yrs the other was with a guy i had met out in Alaska. When you think about it life really is all love and pain right? We build ourselves up to be broken again and when we try again it's a cat and mouse game. Now as I take a drag off this sweet joint and take a swig of R &R I start thinking of life and all the experiences i have had and how blessed I am to have so many of them. I will admit i have been insecure in the past with relationships but I think that was all do to  being scared and when you truly love someone you got to let go of fear and grasp onto faith and trust. Insecurity is a turn off!!!! Trust and Confidence "Pop goes the weasel" lol but in all seriousness love is not something to just take lightly it is like a beautiful Ferrari 458 Italia with a v 12 engine and a 599 GTB Fiorano. It has got to be admired and nurturing and when you get a scratch do what ever in gods creation to fix the damn thing! lol

To all Guys and Galls out there welcome to love class 101

Rule #1 Never offer a girl a diet drink unless we ask for it- we are sensitive creatures and take offense to most anything you say as and excuse to get both attention and flowers

Rule # 1 For girls: Never as your man where he was, who was with and what he was doing it bugs the hell out of them to the point their looking for cameras in their ass. Let your guy tell you himself if he wants to if he don't ask "what took so long babe?" and let him answer don't pry your his gf not his mom!

Rule#2 For Guys: We love it when you tell us were hot, beautiful and pretty. We are very self conscience feminine creatures and our looks mean alot to us. Like for instance when we first wake up and don't have make up on  and our hair is in curlers and  we ask you how we look always say "Honey you look beautiful or sexy or something this will lead to more baked goods and more sex.

Rule #2 For Girls: Don't be mad when your man looks at porn or other women its not them being unfaithful it's them being human and I speak for all the women out their (and homosexual) when your bullshitting yourselves saying johny depp is not hot! Anyways it's you your man is coming home to and is loyal to and is spending time with so evident-ally there must be something special he sees in you.

Rule #3 For Guys: Don't just go for a girl cause of looks, time changes but whats on the inside does not so make sure you got both looks and personality. 

Rule # 3 For Girls : Guys love it when a girl plays hard to get so don't give in so easily to puppy dog eyes and bad boy features lol. But don't toy with the heart. It is fragile and can be broken even when it seems it can't when you met the man you are supposed to be with you'll know and you will wipe his tears away when he is sad, you will get him medicine when he is sick, and buy him presents just because he wont expect it and you will want to surprise him. And you will be loyal and understanding and realize what you have and you wont pry into his past but move on with both of your new lives.

This concludes this session of love class 101


Sometimes the wonders of life and how simple and fast an outcome can change one thing  amaze me.
You know what you did, you know that you did not mean to do what you did so you do everything you can to fix it to make things better but why? Why fix what has already been broken? Like a broken heart you try to pull the peices back together for that one small strand of hope. God had never been someone you have thought about but yet when in the darkest of moments he comes to mind? You pray for the first time in your life you pray. Pray for forgivness, pray for strength because you know your closer than ever to losing that one thing in your life that matters. And you admit your faults hoping that what seemed the strongest thing ever could fight this misunderstanding. But no to them your words are meaningless and empty and they do not care. They show no sympathy and they do not care they walk away. They gather everything, every memory , every possibilaty of you to together and walk away to leave you alone.  Sometimes life is like that, it is full of surprises and what you make out of it . Sometimes it will make you the happiest you have ever been and sometimes it will make you suffer but either way it's all on you. It's on you what choices you make, what sacriffices you make, what you do to make it worth while. But sometimes it takes a impact to see what you have been missing out on. Joy, happiness, love, trust, success, sometimes you must lose a little to gain a little. Before you were a worrier and cared for the smallest of things but now your stronger and are now changing for the better for yourself. Sometimes life is like that you screw up so you try to fix it but when that don't work and costs you to lose something you then begin to change not wanting to go through that again. So you become a stronger, better person because after all life sometimes hands you lemons so go out and make lemonade!


Well what can I say about today. It has been long and my head is killing me. Me and my boyfriend have been fighting again and I dont know what to do to stop it. I feel so scared and alone thinking about everything and the stress has me buried. From the moment I met him I felt something, something writers only try to describe and young girls only dream. But lately things have been hard aut life is not easy  and love is not easy. It takes time, work , sacrifice, and only those who have felt it can understand what is real and what is fake. I am not perfect I do have a problem with being insecure and protective and maybe it is why we fight. We fight because I have a hard time dealing with the fact he has"hot " girlfriends. Just last night I overeacted because of it and the only comfort I had was the thought of going home. When we fight I think of running back to Idaho, not all the time just in the real bad ones but then again sometimes you half to fight for love. But sometimes I feel unloved and hurt because we hardley talk and when I try to be romantic he is usually passive. I'm trying to deit and get my face better looking just so he will look at me . Look at me favorabley , like he wants me and only me and hes in love look. I hardley get it anymore and Its my fault. Trust is something that has broken me and I have concealed my heart and not trusted for a while. I want to but all thats happened and all I've seen of what kind of women he likes to hang with I don't like it. But he has stopped talking to women and given up some of his friends just to keep me and maybe it's because of that he looks and acts the way he does. I feel bad for all of the things I've done like asking him to stop talking to girls and not to make comments cause he admitted last night thats not him. And I've never wanted to change him but were engaged and other men I know dont associate with other women when that happens but oh yeah im not in Idaho am I. Before he admitted other girlfriends of his did not care what he did and it made me feel bad because I want to be somewhat as important. But it is not ok to me and i'm sticking to that I used to be passive on this matter and it landed me heartbrake. I just feel ungly compared to these other girls he used to hang out with and used to make comments about . I dont mean to hold it against him but everytime I try to be pretty he just says I look nice and the first thing I think of is when he called them hot and its like whats wrong with me am I not good enough for you to be like them? Why cant he just look at me like that and think that of me? I try and try to look better but it does nothing I guess his opinion of me and image of me will forever remain.  And it's that that makes us fight I guess I dont know. My heart is full and I'm tired of crying and fighting . I dont know what to do I guess just except what i cant change and somehow fight my insecurities so he can be happy.

what i want

Well hello one and all I felt like writing so here I is to put down a few lines. Life is good I must say I can't complain I got a good but boring job but like I said it is good. I just got a cute little puppy his name is Max and he is sweet, however he is driving my fiancee insane cause he don't like dogs. But he is doing good with him lol today was my last day in training and it got me to thinking about something important. Life. I have always contemplated to myself what goals and what accomplishments do I want to make with my life and what I want. I know it is a weird subject to be thinking of when your in front of a cash register but when you have nothing else to do I guess it happens. I began thinking of all my friends who set goals for themselves, who had everything figured out and it was like holy cow I have no idea what the hell I want! When one of my co workers asked me if I wanted to remain at home depot for a long career I did not know what to say so I just smiled and gave the whole "i don't know thing." But it really hit me though it's like thier are so many colleges and places to go. Things to and people to meet and it felt like I was doing none of those things what most people would consider actually living, but then I saw my baby and I knew. I knew what I wanted! I wanted to be a good girlfriend and someday a good wife, I wanted to have his kids and be a great mom. I know it sounds weird but  today I found out what I wanted out of life and that was simply that. ... Ok I tried to sound romantic but hey a nice 69judge gto would be nice to lol

Somewhat right

To everyone who has been loved or in love you all can sympathize with me the unforgettable feeling. The feeling of  them being the begining and ending to each day. The feeling of having someone to talk to and not judge you on  anything. The feeling of looking into another' ones eyes and seeing all you ever wanted and all you ever dreamed of right in front of you. That feeling is the one that I am feeling now. I will admit for a time I was cold and unsure if I wanted to feel this way again. Past relationships held me back not because I still had feelings for the other guys but because my heart and myself was damaged. Scared of being cheated on again, scared of feeling threatened again, scared of everything I thought I felt and knew to be a lie. But then I met this incredible guy, this amazing person and  I felt it . Even if I did not want to I felt it. I felt warm and happy and most importantly safe in his arms. He makes me smile without reason, cry because I'm happy, and sad when he's gone. I love him, truely and deeply I love him.Many people ask how do you know when you truely love someone. My reply used to be I don't know cause I didn't now however if I were asked again I think I would answer like this. How you know when you truely love someone is when you want to spend every second trying to make them as happy as they made you. When you knew you'd give your life for  thiers. And when you hold them at night you know deep inside that ther'ye the only one you want to be holding on to. And if I answered somewhat close it's because of my baby.



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August 2010


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